The Bond I Missed

I am missing you, I am missing you so much. I need to tell you everything happening in my life, like I always did. Right from a tiff with a friend, to a punishment in school, from my test scores, and career choices to my first date and my relationship. There was nothing secret between us. We fought over almost everything but we knew we loved each other as much.

Me with my dolls and you with your toy cars when we were kids, and me with my Mills & Boons and you with your Sherlock Holmes, when we were teenagers; we always had different worlds. There were many times I felt you would never understand how I felt; but you used to surprise me every time. Remember, you used to make fun of my 'girly' stuff? And say I would never know how boys think... But somewhere you knew, I knew you in and out. Remember how you had stolen my share of chocolates dad had bought us? And how you had not spoken to me for one whole week after dad had scolded you for what you thought was my mistake! Silly us! How proud you used to feel when you finished breakfast before me and when we visited the restaurant of YOUR choice and when mum cooked YOUR favorite dish for dinner... and, and so many little fights which you 'won' and I 'lost'! Such a kid you used to be sometimes.

And on other times, such a grownup. Remember the fight I had with some rowdies in school... how you had entered the fight like a brave boy and said, "don't you bother my sister or..." So safe I had felt that time. Remember that summer...when your favorite rock band was going to perform in town, I knew how much you wanted to watch them perform live. It was like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you. But you missed it, just for me. I was extremely unwell and there was no one at home...you spent the whole night, sitting by my bedside. That meant a big sacrifice for you, I knew. But you did it, for me. The kid who used to fight with me each time for having a bigger share of everything... had suddenly turned into someone who could give anything away for his sister.

You left home for college, went to study abroad; I cried like a baby the night you left... I began to miss you like never before; those little fights, those small celebrations, those family picnics when you used to be with us. I went to your room that night and did something I never dared do before... I peeked into your diary, that black hardbound diary, you had never let me read. Remember you had promised you would give it to me some day... "I will let you read this when you are old enough", you had said. Years went by and we both forgot all about it. But that day, I suddenly remembered. Probably, the night you 'left', I became 'old enough'. You left and I thought I was a big girl...

You know what this 'big girl' found in the diary that day? A little boy she was so fond of, a friend she was closest to, a young man she derived strength from and... the best brother any sister would want to have.

I wanted to be able to write to you, read you, talk to you, love you, hate you, miss you... I always wanted years like these, memories that I would treasure for a lifetime. And a brother like you... But you weren't there. You were Never there. If only you were...